Trauma is a complex experience that manifests in many different ways, leaving profound imprints on a person’s mind, body, and soul. While trauma might initially be seen as a one-time event, its effects linger far beyond the moment of the experience. Trauma gets stored in the body, it leaves an imprint in our cells, and when you don’t heal it, not only are you stuck in a mental cycle of attracting the same experiences, but illness and diseases can manifest in the body.

To truly understand the depth of trauma, it’s important to look at its underlying pillars: avoidance, shame, and idealization. Additionally, more profound and long-lasting trauma often brings with it layers of blame and betrayal.

Avoidance: Running from the Pain

One of the most common responses to trauma is avoidance. When someone experiences trauma, the brain instinctively tries to shield them from further harm. This often results in avoiding anything that reminds them of the traumatic event, from specific places and people to certain feelings and emotions.

However, while avoidance may provide temporary relief, it ultimately deepens the trauma. By running from the pain, the person is left unable to fully process the event, leading to unresolved emotions and perpetuating a cycle of distress. Avoidance can also lead to isolation, as individuals cut themselves off from situations and relationships that trigger uncomfortable memories, leaving them feeling alone in their suffering.

Shame: The Silent Burden

Shame is another significant pillar of trauma. It often accompanies the feeling that one’s experience was somehow deserved or that they are fundamentally flawed because of what happened. Unlike guilt, which focuses on actions, shame digs deeper into a person’s sense of self, creating a belief that they are the problem.

Shame is an isolating force, as it encourages individuals to hide their experiences and emotions. This isolation can make healing even harder because it prevents people from seeking the support they need. Traumatic shame is especially powerful because it often reinforces feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt, keeping the individual stuck in a cycle of self-judgment.

Idealization: Rewriting the Past

Another coping mechanism that often emerges in response to trauma is idealization. This happens when a person distorts the memory of the traumatic experience or the people involved to avoid dealing with the harsh reality of the event. They might cling to an unrealistic, rose-tinted version of events or believe that the person who hurt them was inherently “good,” even if their actions were harmful. This is also referred to as the Stockholm Syndrome, when a victim sympathizes with their abuser.

Idealization often stems from the brain’s desire to make sense of a traumatic event, especially when the event involves people who were once trusted or loved. It serves as a way of avoiding the emotional pain of confronting the trauma head-on. However, idealization keeps individuals trapped in a fantasy that prevents them from acknowledging their feelings, contributing to their inability to fully heal.

Blame: The Trap of Self-Responsibility

Blame, particularly self-blame, often develops as a way to regain a sense of control after trauma. If someone believes they are responsible for what happened, it can give them a false sense of power—they convince themselves that if they caused it, they could prevent it from happening again.

However, this form of blame can be highly destructive. Trauma often strips people of their agency, yet self-blame creates an illusion that they had control over a situation where they were powerless. This kind of thinking reinforces shame and compounds feelings of inadequacy, making healing even more challenging.

Betrayal: The Breaking of Trust

One of the most profound elements of trauma, especially when it involves close relationships, is betrayal. Betrayal occurs when someone we trust, like a family member, partner, or friend, violates that trust in a deep and damaging way. This can leave lasting scars because it shatters our fundamental belief in the safety of our relationships and the people we depend on.

Betrayal is particularly insidious because it not only undermines trust in others but also often causes individuals to question their judgment and their worth. It can lead to long-term struggles with trusting anyone again, which isolates the individual further and creates emotional distance in all future relationships.

Moving Forward: Healing the Core Wounds of Trauma

Recognizing these pillars—avoidance, shame, idealization, blame, and betrayal—is the first step toward healing. By understanding how each one manifests and contributes to the larger experience of trauma, individuals can begin to take control of their healing journey. It requires a willingness to confront painful memories, a reexamination of beliefs about oneself, and often, the help of trusted support systems, whether through therapy, friends, or communities.

Healing from trauma is not linear, nor is it easy. But with time, self-compassion, and the right tools, it is possible to break free from the cycle of trauma’s hold, leaving room for growth, trust, and peace.

In the end, it’s not about erasing the trauma, but about learning to live alongside it in a way that no longer defines your every experience. By addressing these core pillars, we can loosen trauma’s grip and create space for resilience, understanding, and deep, transformative healing.