We all have different ways of showing love to the ones most dearest to us. Did you know that most attachment systems are a byproduct of the way you were raised as a child? This has an impact on how you view yourself and the world around you and it has a huge impact on your adult relationships.

If you are someone who struggles with maintaining healthy relationships, or you find yourself in the same traumatic relationships over and over again, it might be a sign that you need to look at yourself and see where this pattern came from.

A child’s early life experiences especially with their primary care takers has a major effect on their adult life later on. If a child doesn’t have its needs met, or was never shown healthy, safe, secure love, this can show up later in their life as attachment to different people, situations, or even themselves. 

Attachment Trauma

This is known as ‘attachment trauma’. As children, our primary caretakers are our whole life, they are the ones who should make us feel the most loved and safe in the world, taking care of all our needs. When these needs go unmet, a child may end up feeling alone, unable to understand their emotions or feelings, and start developing either an insecure attachment system or an anxious one.  

Attachment trauma has not only psychological effects, but physical ones as well. Different relationships trigger different things in you, for example, a toxic relationship where one is being abused, might trigger ones nervous system to go into flight or fight mode (survival mode)

There are a lot of theories only that divide attachment systems into 4 categories, but I recognize two of them as being the most important. Firstly, a secure attachment system. Secondly, an anxious attachment system.

Secure attachment system

This attachment system implies that a person is secure enough in itself and in its relationships to express emotions clearly, to set boundaries, they are empathetic to their partners emotional needs as well and knows how to respond in a safe, passive way. Emotionally, they do not get overwhelmed or anxious when they experience a threat because they have built a safe relationship with themselves and are connected to their intuition.

Anyone can work towards implementing a more secure attachment system. But this starts with the relationship the individual has with themselves. Someone with a secure attachment system does thrive being in a relationship, but it is also happy when they are on their own. They don’t let a romantic partnership define them, because a relationship is not a reward for the healing that you do. A romantic relationship is not the ultimate goal.

A secure attacher can successfully identify their emotions, their triggers, and regulate itself, additionally, helping others do the same. We are not born with this knowledge, but when you put in the effort to know yourself and face your traumas, you strengthen the love you have for yourself.

Anxious attachment system

An anxious attachment system is divided into three parts:

• Preoccupied
• Avoidant
• Dissociated/disorganized 

Preoccupied

This is characterized by a heightened sensitivity to the emotional availability of a partner. People with this style often feel insecure in their relationships and are preoccupied with the fear of being abandoned or rejected. They tend to crave closeness, validation, and reassurance from their partners, sometimes feeling dependent on them for emotional stability.

Constant worry about the relationship: Individuals often fear their partner doesn’t love them enough or will leave them. A preoccupied person always puts others first, and suffocates other with their worries. For example, instead of staying in her lane and minding her own business, especially when it comes to her boyfriend or husband, she bombards him with questions, criticism, reproaches, and jabs—mainly to calm her own nerves and emotional dependency. She shouldn’t be judged, though… Her emotional reality is tough, and she genuinely suffers. Without the reassurance of loved ones or figures of authority, she loses her emotional balance.

Avoidant 

This attachment system comes up when during your childhood your primary caretaker was absent, when you felt like you were always abandoned. This traumatic experience makes someone afraid to trust others and to trust themselves. It’s difficult for you to tolerate intimacy, whether

that be romantic or friendship. You are very independent and value your freedom to the point where you might feel suffocated, controlled, trapped when in a romantic partnership.

You also tend to withdraw when someone tries to get close to you, because you are afraid of opening yourself up and trusting someone else. You are afraid to be left alone again, to be abandoned. Not only are you uncomfortable having others express their emotions, but you are uncomfortable expressing yourself. You might minimize your partners feelings, and be disloyal (cheat) to regain your freedom. 

Avoidants tend to think that they do not need intimate relationships with others, but we all do. We are relational beings, made to live in a community, not alone and alienated. In the wild we would never survive alone. 

Dissociated/disorganized 

This attachment system is a combination of preoccupied and avoidant. It can lead to a push and pull type of relationship. At times you may want to be close to another, but then pull away because you’re afraid. This is oftentimes a result of trauma that happened in the past, that was never healed or talked about. A dissociated person lives their lives on auto-pilot, surviving but not living. 

This can happen in someone’s childhood when their primary caretakers, who were their only source of safety, became a source of fear. However, there is hope, with proper treatment in therapy, it is always possible to heal from a dissociated attachment system.

Conclusion

Attachment system play a profound role in shaping how we navigate our adult relationships and view ourselves in the world. Whether secure or anxious, these patterns are often rooted in childhood experiences and can have both psychological and physical effects. Understanding your attachment system and recognizing the influence of past traumas is the first step toward healing. By working on self-awareness and emotional regulation, it’s possible to break harmful cycles and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Healing is always possible, and with the right tools, we can all learn to cultivate secure, meaningful connections—both with ourselves and others.